Author: 有点困
Year of release: 2019
# of chapters: 134 (+ 4 extras)
Status: Complete
Tags: wearing a book, entertainment, depressed character, tw: suicide
Before I start, I'd like to say, I don't mind the theme that was described, but damn the execution most of the time was messy.
The title says it all. Gu Qingchi's first day crossing was the second day of his marriage with an actor, Xie Luyu (ML). Then the plot was put into action and his life was a blank piece of paper for two years when the plot was implemented, since he was a cannon fodder, his existence was simply invisible, people would not remember him after meeting once, he couldn't interact with the world, except sending messages out, but with no answers. When the two years passed and he was asked to sign divorce papers, his role was over and he was free. But these two years changed him for the rest of the plot.
Now. The undertone of this novel is really depressing, basically it has a lot of emotional torment and depression from MC's point of view due to that period of time that left him with struggle to just live. He moved out, started working and was simply on his own and struggling, just floating with no sense of attachment to the world. There's really no plot, he was just assigned a role, so I have no idea why author decided to make it a "plot". As extras showed author put many reancarnations and all of them ended up badly. I really had no idea why they would add something so miserable.
As a turn of events Qingchi saw his only way is to enter entertainment industry to earn quick money for the cat that he picked up, he didn't like the cat, but the cat was really attached to him, so he took the small life in his hands and refused to put the cat to sleep and decided to earn for expenses. He was picked up by a good agent and slowly got few good projects, one of which was a show where he met ML, his actual ex-husband. Though Xie Luyu had no idea who Qingchi was, since the influence of the plot and Qingchi's invisibility was there, but he was attracted and soon tried to get close. Qingchi actually didn't push it away, but both didn't make things clear even after cohabitation. ML was really accomodating all of MC's states, he cooked, took care etc.
The breaking point was when ML mentioned being together and marriage, which MC discarded and instead broke off cleanly, since for him marriage was something out of the question. ML soon regretted, they didn't meet often after that, but whenever it was possible he tried to be close, tried to rebuild the bridge and helped MC behind the scenes whenever he could. At that time ML didn't fully understand MC and his motivation, but MC never shared either.
The breaking point for MC was when he met the family, it was his real family in his past life as he remembers, but here they were not (actually they were, it was a plot twist I'll explain in detail later). Some time after one gathering where his actual mother had a breakdown and prtected him, calling him her child, MC actually committed suicide. He was saved due to ML, who saw his message and knowing MC's character thought it was strange, he rushed to his house seeing MC covered in blood, wet, with slashed wrist, he walked out of the bathroom only because he answered the phone. Later he got into the hospital and with time his family actually figure out that this boy is the child they thought died after birth. MC's mother gave birth in a hospital, MC's father was abroad and came back only to see the message that the mother was ok, but the child was gone, his mistake was that he didn't find oddities that child was taken care of so quickly, but at the same time, his useless younger brother got himself a kid, despite several marriages and infertility. Only now MC's mother found it strange that people call MC her son, because they look so much alike, this pushed the family to uncover the truth and find MC, their lost son.
Despite the reunion, there was a tiny alienation between father, brother and MC, they cared and loved him, but he was already grown up, only his mother, who got these delusions of having the child (which were her past memories) that everyone thought she was mental. But because of this they had a close link with MC. Yet, this wasn't enough. MC was diagnosed with severe depression, though I think he acted quite bipolar throughout entire plot. His family cared for him, it also came almost after MC's previous marriage was dug out and posted online. He also admitted to it himself and said that he was unhappy in marriage. ML wanted to help him out and directed fire on himself, posting his own divorce, but it was this moment he found out that the partner he was forced to marry was actually MC, which pushed him into torment. He realized that the one who was mostly responsible was himself, since he decided at that time that he wouldn't care for the partner who he never saw before and even his marriage was done without his consent whatsoever. Later he also found out about the messages MC sent. But despite hat he already was deeply in love with MC and he couldn't really keep away. MC's family asked him to stay away, but ML knew about MC's condition and he knew that despite anything, he can't. And MC actually found some piece with ML by his side.
The ending was quite positive, but it still holds a baggage of scars that they've been through. MC gets his life back, since his parents and brother actually regain previous memories that pulled them closer, though no one actually talked about it, ppl just started acting like in previous life. MC also walks out from his depressed state and even promises ML, which previously was a taboo. He regains his life, some aspirations and moves on.
Now, two points I want to dive into:
- Mental health question. I still think MC acted quite bipolar, which, as far as I know, can be treated with medication, but not fully healed. He strived for love and acceptance, though rarely talked about it, it was briefly mentioned way later. He also had really severe mood swings, like one second he is happy and next second he harms himself. But author describes it as severe depression, I've never been there myself, so I can't judge, but partially I try to understand. I'm really not against this question being discussed and this type of MC existing, because it tells a different story, of a sensitive person who was almost erased for 2 years, he lost any motivation and aspiration and was just floating along, he didn't take seriously anything, though he did his given tasks seriously, but he could cleanly break relationships, move from here to there, but he had no feeling of belonging. I think the moment of his mother breaking down in front of him actually harmed him a lot because he has all those memories of being cared about, but these people are not those parents. But his parents' care and care of ML actually made me think - damn, they suffer no less from the person themselves, they care for their child/brother/lover who has those issues. I'm pretty sure the whole question - is this world even real - was going through his head. But most of it, are my guesses. This is the part where my second point comes in.
- The writing is a mess. Most of the things I'm talking about are my guesses. although it does take the majority of space and describes MC's not really state and thoughts, but just actions by which you can judge the level of his depression, his indifference to world, his melancholy etc. I must confess, for 134 chapters I found it really draggy at times (there were at least 20+ descriptions of MC being compared to a cat that is on his own, like it's hard to get close to him etc. that I find unnecessary), especially the beginning, at other times there were sudden time skips too, like the ending part contains quite a skip and MC getting better and promising ML. Maybe it's the thing about restrictions and that is why authors don't dwell on things, but really, it wouldn't hurt to describe his thoughts more. Because such important stuff like why MC got hooked up with ML wasn't only built on him not being repulsed, but actually being jealous of ML, since he was so tormented inside and felt so horrible, but ML was fine, so he wanted to drag ML along, which was his egoistic desire he was aware of, this part came way later, but was really not obvious when reading. You can't guess such stuff when it's plainly written, but the explanation comes way later. I also didn't find the whole book and world collapsing a thing, since it just added misery. The family's wakening to previous memories is also strange, MC is described as very sensitive to emotions, so he felt the difference. Anyway you can get the idea, but I find the way it was written quite messy.
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